A common theme, it appears, amongst my clients whether they are private clients, well known people in the public sphere or corporations is the struggle to find the right balance between dependency and independence.
The most startling example is that of Relationships. I’m sure most people know someone, or have been there themselves, where they are in a partnership that doesn’t feel entirely equal. There’s the dangerous ground of playing a symetrical game of assuming that A does something for B, and then B has to reciprocate before A does something else.
This seems so cold and cynical, and rarely does the relationship operate like that in terms of what’s actually said – but frequently, much more telling is the deeper lying structure of how the dynamic organises itself.
I was struck by a small story printed in the Boston Globe on March 20th 1987. It’s about a lady called Susan Butcher. (With thanks to Mary Catherine Bateson for the story came to my attention in her marvellous book, Composing A Life.)
The Iditarod, the 1,157 mile dogsled race across Alaska has been won repeatedly by Susan. This gruelling course was originally set up to be run to save lives at a time when serum was desperately needed in Nome to combat an epidemic. Now, as a race, this mode of caring and service has been converted into a straight out compeitition. Yet it is clear that even in this competitive framework, Butcher excells at taking care of her dogs.
At every rest stop in the 1987 race, her rival Rick Swenson left early, while Butcher gave her dogs the full four-hour rest time; she was so busy caring for them that she had only fifteen minutes of rest for herself. By the end of each lap, her dogs were forging ahead of his. They seemed to gain in power the further along they got.
At the last rest stop, the rules of the race determined that you had to give your animals the full rest time. Butcher’s lead became unbeatable. Where he was willing to overtax his dogs, she was willing to overtax herself, organizing her efforts around caring for her dogs. After the race, care for herself: a glass of wine, a hot bath and a sleep. It has been observed that in womens’ athletics, the women will stop playing when a team mate is injured, until she has been attended to, while male athletes will more quickly resume their competitive combat. Slowing down for caretaking is obviously a losing strategy in the short run, but a winning strategy in the long run, whether in a two week race across Alask or the life and survival of the human species on a planet that must be cherished for it can never be replaced.
Zack Polanski is a Cognitive Hypnotherapist working from 1 Harley Street, London. He also has a clinic available in both North and East London depending on your individual requirements. He works with confidence, self-esteem, depression, anxiety and stress. Alongside this work, he also has experience as a business coach and a skills trainer.







